CrimsonAmaterasu

It's unfortunate that I'm updating my dA - in such a long time - for something like this.  But it's - I can't fucking hold it in any longer.  I'm back bringing more hate - to the inefficiency of this fucking trip I'm planning, to the world, to the people around me, to MYSELF because I am so limited in what I can fucking do.  I hate the feeling, this caged in, trapped little feeling. A trip that I found exciting and wanting to go to is now something I'm not looking forward to whatsoever - solely for the company because my friends have to have the strictest parents in the market, whom of which I don't fucking know the first thing to do. I want

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I just want to curl up somewhere and stay there.  Sometimes I kind of wish I was dead, but then I'm scared of death - scared to pull the blade.  I kind of hate myself for that.  And I kind of think I'm never sure about anything anymore. Everything I do, I'm hesitating.  I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I feel like I've hit a dead-end, or I'm just going to go on to nothing.  Running without a cause or a direction, just aimlessly going - like a leaf caught in the wind, I suppose.  Hah, that's such a cliche simile. Maybe if I just turn off from the world, go retreat back into my fa

Why am I suddenly picking fights with friends left and right all of a sudden?  Or just generally avoiding them?  Why am I doubting them?  I hate myself for that.  Hate myself so much, I see red when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or some reflective surface.  I hate myself so much for that. I don't know, maybe it's because I really can't be a loner.  Maybe when I don't have someone to talk to, I go nuts.  Just so much crap has gone down in the pass week or so that I feel like I can't hold it in anymore.  I hate disappointments in general.  I feel like I am one, and I'm just sitting here looking around wondering why anyone ever talks