CrimsonAmaterasu

It's unfortunate that I'm updating my dA - in such a long time - for something like this.  But it's - I can't fucking hold it in any longer.  I'm back bringing more hate - to the inefficiency of this fucking trip I'm planning, to the world, to the people around me, to MYSELF because I am so limited in what I can fucking do.  I hate the feeling, this caged in, trapped little feeling.

A trip that I found exciting and wanting to go to is now something I'm not looking forward to whatsoever - solely for the company because my friends have to have the strictest parents in the market, whom of which I don't fucking know the first thing to do. I want to tread wherever the fuck I want on this trip that SHOULD'VE only been my cousins and I, but no.  Add ten thousand more people and complications later and I am so done I don't even want to go anymore.

I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THIS TRIP IF I CAN'T DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.  I don't want to go on this trip if I am going to be crammed into a tiny little hotel room with seven other people and possibly sleep on the floor.  No, I will throw a child's trantrum if I have to.  I just hate everything right now, and I'm emotionally exhausted, and I really don't give a shit what happens anymore.  I don't care.  I don't /want/ to care, but the fucking truth is that I'm gonna care anyway.

WORDS CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE HOW ANGRY AND UPSET AND JUST FUCK I AM.  Like, I feel like the only way I can express myself is just repeatedly screaming "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU AND YOU" at the top of my lungs at anyone and everything that passes me by.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I just want to curl up somewhere and stay there.  Sometimes I kind of wish I was dead, but then I'm scared of death - scared to pull the blade.  I kind of hate myself for that.  And I kind of think I'm never sure about anything anymore.

Everything I do, I'm hesitating.  I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I feel like I've hit a dead-end, or I'm just going to go on to nothing.  Running without a cause or a direction, just aimlessly going - like a leaf caught in the wind, I suppose.  Hah, that's such a cliche simile.

Maybe if I just turn off from the world, go retreat back into my fantasies.  Sometimes, I wonder if I should just let my mind go.  Wonder if I should just forget about life and go insane...  But hey, I guess it's not drugs; no needles, no smoke - just a deteriorating mind-set.

...I dunno.  Maybe it's just because I'm tired.  Of what or why...I really don't know.

-Amaterasu

Why am I suddenly picking fights with friends left and right all of a sudden?  Or just generally avoiding them?  Why am I doubting them?  I hate myself for that.  Hate myself so much, I see red when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or some reflective surface.  I hate myself so much for that.

I don't know, maybe it's because I really can't be a loner.  Maybe when I don't have someone to talk to, I go nuts.  Just so much crap has gone down in the pass week or so that I feel like I can't hold it in anymore.  I hate disappointments in general.  I feel like I am one, and I'm just sitting here looking around wondering why anyone ever talks to me.

Maybe these fights are just me trying to sever myself from people I'm close with?  I'm scared of getting too close, because then they'll leave.  Everyone always leaves.  They always drift away somehow, or I change and suddenly - we're no longer friends.  Maybe I'm telling them to just leave me and move on because fuck, they can find better friends than me.  They're great people who're just being dragged down by me.

I'm a stain to them.  A stain that won't go away unless it decides to itself.

I don't want to be a stain to them.

I don't want to hold them back.

I don't want to sound so fucking dependent.  I want to be strong, but not when I feel as though I'm just hurting others.  I have too many flaws, I should just remove myself from the group.  I don't know, this is what happens when I sit alone in an empty house - or might as well be empty - for too long.

I've never wished to harm someone, or wished death upon others before.  You know why?  I'm too busy wishing that on myself.

-Amaterasu

Fer the love of the Keeper, I keep hearing about Comic-Con left and right.  Like, I was so happy to be able to go to AnimeNEXT, and now people are gushing Comic-Con and Anime Expo and Otakon...>>  GOSH.

There needs to be a support group for people who didn't or wasn't able to attend Comic-Con.  There needs to be a support group NOW.  AND HERE.  DDDDDX

I really want to put together a 2P!England cosplay...
I bake cupcakes, I'm sadistic... I just need to change my ethnicity and...looks.  And gender.  XDDDD
Nah, I just needa figure out where I can get a good wig and some wacky pink and blue clothes?

Also how to give myself some temporary freckles...

I also need to pray to all the higher ups that school ends early again this year.  T^T

-Amaterasu